The voice in between my own two ears is my very worst critic. So many of my nights are spent with my head hitting the pillow and then replaying all my failures throughout the prior day's events. Unfortunately, I've perfected the nitpicking at myself so much so that I continuously do it throughout the day. When I lose it with my kids, when the laundry stays on the dining room table (again!), or when I inevitably waste too much time on social media I'm quick to succumb to feelings of guilt and sadness. My inner voice is totally Amber and I'm just Tai. If you don't get that Clueless reference... your character is questionable.
I'm dedicated to sharing my subpar moments of mediocracy here in this space. It's then, when we share in these times when we would normally shame ourselves that we reach out in community to squash the expectations and the disappointments in ourselves. It'll be like we "red rover" each other to send another "normal mommy" right over. Together we'll gift each other the freedom from feeling isolated in failure.
Along the way, I've had some beautiful souls join alongside me with love as I've uncovered the truths I want to tell myself instead of the mean girl bashing I object myself to. These women have taught me to pinpoint the lies I believe and fight for self love. I want to pass that along to you. To do that, I kinda want to do a thing. Trust me, it's a good thing. So I'm just going to start it. Monday mirror pep talks. Here's a letter to me... to you. Read it and let's mold the voice we hear from our worst critic into our biggest fan...
You're a bad mama jama. You are doing alright. No, you are doing great. Sure, you are writing this with unbrushed teeth and a tub of Nutella next to the keyboard, but nobody's perfect. On days like today when you are not as productive as you set out to be, let it go. You are more than your to-do list, your resume, or your bank account. You're more than the comments, the likes, or the text messages awaiting reply on your phone. You are more than the size and designer of your clothes. You are already successful and accomplished, you may just need to tweak your standards. Too often you look outside of yourself to be told what you are. But you already know your worth.
Today, already, just as you are... you are loved. You were etched together by the God of all things. Within you was established great purpose. That may be a number of things in a number of ways. Start with whatever you are passionate about whether it's animals, or equality, or heck even picking boars head lunch meat on your Publix sub. It's already within you and it's worth expressing. Good works doesn't always look like solving world hunger or adopting an orphan. (Although those are amazing things). The tasks you do with love day in and day out are Such. Good. Works.
You are never too much. You are always enough. Perhaps your laugh is loud and obnoxious so that others around you feel comfortable enough to really let loose in your presence. Don't apologize for feeling so deeply. God knew the world needed your tender soul in a culture filled with cold shoulders. World changers empathize. Feel on, sister. Your anxiety, your fears, your depression don't make you broken or wrong or defeated. The only way you lose is if you suffer in silence or alone. You are strong when you feel weakest. Boast in what knocks you down. The view from humility accomplishes more healing and influencing than you know. You are doing just fine.
Motherhood comes in all shapes and sizes. God intended you to be your children's mother for a reason. You are exactly what they need. The guilt you feel for not jumping up to meet their every need (#makeyourownbreakfastsoicanpoopandscrollfacebookplease) is unnecessary. They will be well rounded and decent people because they learned the world does not in fact revolve around them. Give yourself grace when you lose it on them. Mary Poppins could fly off with her magical umbrella at any given moment. That's the only reason that lady is chill and patient. The rest of us look like Merida's mom in Brave loosing our 'ish and turning into Grizzly Bears too. You're in good company.
There is a beauty in your heart that speaks volumes of who you are. The fact that you even mull over your day to improve yourself for the next chance you get says you're a stand up gal. Don't keep trying to earn your place in this world little lady. You are already making waves. You are doing things and taking names. And then maybe you nap, and that's okay too. You're perfectly you. Today, job well done.