Heyyy girl. I see you trying to keep it all together. I see that you feel old and young at the same time. How did the younger version of you seem so vibrant and energetic and ambitious? How does the current you not look how you imagined she'd be? The you of the future better get to moving because you've got a lot for her to do. Let yourself be. Ease up on the expectations.
There are doors closing. Seasons changing. Time passing. It's so hard. It's like a mourning of the life you've already experienced while simultaneously celebrating all you've been blessed with thus far. What a problem to have that you have had such an abundance of life jam packed into your short years so far that you toss out the question to God, "What do I have to look forward to? How can the future be any better?"
Rest in the space in between. The music and rhythm of life holds ebbs and flows just like the tide of the ocean. Ride it out. Even when you seem to be out of sync with those around you... march to the beat of a different drum. Live into the calling on your life. You've experienced the discomfort, the fear, the struggle and yet here you are. Better for it. Trust the process, the author, the creator of all things. You know what trying to control all circumstances ends with. It's a pointless effort that leads no where. Don't strangle your life with good intentions. You are not in control of anything but your love and your thought process.
Choose to see the bright side. Allow the lessons to come your way, buff away the rough edges, and help your light shine. The fear of time passing too quickly is only a result of wondering what you can do with every day. When you switch your perspective to thinking what each day can do with you, more grace will develop with the clock.
Invest in your people. Love without reserve. Sit around tables. Put down your phone. Laugh until you cry. Reach out for coffee dates and play dates. Play board games and ask deep questions. Have a dinner party, a water balloon fight, anything. Nurture relationships with good food and sweet coffee. Let Tuesday be just as important as the weekend. Be unbothered by your children's presence. Let the mess happen knowing the clean up will come.
You're doing alright beautiful lady. I see you.